Mostly I don't think

 I don't know why it's so hard for me to exist in the world.

I always feel like I know what i'm doing, or that my heart is in the right place... or that I am remotely capable of doing anything beyond the surface level of things. 

Mostly I feel useless. I'm sure it's my hormones, but right now... I feel useless. 

I want to love someone, but I feel like there's no one I want to love that wants to love me. Those that do love me I find a reason not to love. 

I just want someone who wants to be around me. Wants to spend time with me. Sees value in me. 

I know I'm not useless and I know I'm talented and all the things people say about me... but for whatever reason when you don't say anything at all it feels the worst. 

Like you didn't even notice. Or like you didn't even care. 

But then again why should you care? Who am I to you really? A coworker. Someone you probably won't miss when you're gone. And that's fine... It's my damage. 

But why am I like this? Why am I so desperate to cling to someone? Anyone? 

Why can't I thnk past tomorrow? Why do I hurt all the time. 

This post is all out of order and I'm just a rambling stream of conscious thoughts as the bubble and churn in my head as they do in real life. Maybe because I'm mental. Maybe because I'm damaged. I don't know anymore. 

Mostly I'm just tired.