Thunderstorms & Hojicha

 Remember. People do not change because you want them to. You may see the good in someone but that doesn't mean that the bad will suddenly go away.  You know for a fact that this person is not kind to women. Why would that change with you?  Collect yourself.  If someone is really worth your time, you won't have to work so hard for it and you won't have to stress about it or worry about it.  Don't forget that, me. 

 I don't know why it's so hard for me to exist in the world. I always feel like I know what i'm doing, or that my heart is in the right place... or that I am remotely capable of doing anything beyond the surface level of things.  Mostly I feel useless. I'm sure it's my hormones, but right now... I feel useless.  I want to love someone, but I feel like there's no one I want to love that wants to love me. Those that do love me I find a reason not to love.  I just want someone who wants to be around me. Wants to spend time with me. Sees value in me.  I know I'm not useless and I know I'm talented and all the things people say about me... but for whatever reason when you don't say anything at all it feels the worst.  Like you didn't even notice. Or like you didn't even care.  But then again why should you care? Who am I to you really? A coworker. Someone you probably won't miss when you're gone. And that's fine... It's my damage. ...

 I put so much thought into ideas that aren't real. Why do I do that? 

 And suddenly I find myself confronted with a very real feeling.  A compliment. A keen eye. A soft touch. A hug lingering a bit longer than it ought to. The fuzz on the nape of your neck brushes up against my cheek sending a chill throughout. An electric resonance... Is there really something there or is it a figment of my desire?  I should take the words of a drunk with a grain of salt. I know this and yet still I want to believe it's true.  Words said so casually perhaps inspire feelings I should be smart enough to ignore.  And yet here I am fluttering at the thought.  But still, I'll take it with a grain of salt.  A drunken flirt is a drunken flirt. 

Many years ago, I met the love of my life probably.  The one person in the world I'd ever met that I felt myself around 100%. Kind, calm and caring but not a little bitch. Not afraid to be a bit offensive because he knew who he was and I knew who he was.  We worked together for years and became fast friends. The fastest friends. We had dumb jokes and our own history of memes. When we hung out together it was always so much fun. Everything about being with him was everything I ever wanted.  But of course, like most things that happen to me, there was a major BUT in the situation. And this? He had a girlfriend. A perfectly fine, kind, a girlfriend that by all accounts was harmless in every way. A Lana Del Ray type girl.  Eventually, it became the norm that we all hung out together. However, when he and I had time alone we were on a different level. But because we're both the people that we are, we never crossed that line. There was a time once that he asked me "Why are...

 Last night I had a weird dream which pieces are no longer quite as clear as before.  Towards the end, I got a cool haircut, black and blue.  We were making a movie with an actress who was very unhappy with the film. All I can remember now is a bit towards the end where the last scene is her funeral but then after the funeral, she comes out of the casket and there's a dance number. The choir at the front starts dancing and singing with her.  There was also an orange dragon which we had to revise to make look more friendly as it was a representation of her character in the movie.  Then I got went to the back and got a haircut from the style team and they asked what the style was called. I looked in the mirror and said "Betty Woop" and then the alarm woke me up. 

 I think I discovered something I hadn't really thought about recently.  I realized I'd been not thinking about the way I felt about someone.  I realized I was happy when I heard they were having trouble with their relationship.... I realized how gross a thought that was. Why would I think that? Why would I care? Why wouldn't I feel anything other than sympathy? Why would I feel that way?  I was ignoring it.  I'd really been pushing the idea away.  But now the thought in my head is pushing to the front of my mind until it's all I think about. To the point that I'm excited about a simple little lunch.  And I fell. Literally fell on the shiny, slick linoleum on the way to the restaurant. And when they extended their hand to help me up rather than laughing at me... I felt the thing. The thing I didn't think I felt. The thing I was ignoring.  A desire. A desire to know that kind side more. To talk about our interests more. To go to Waffle House, festi...

 Yesterday it was suggested that I start a blog.  I honestly never thought about the idea but the points made were very true.  I often make art to express my feelings and frustrations, but it's one thing to make art that expresses and another to actually put down in words the ways that I am feeling. So I thought perhaps it might be cathartic to write down my thoughts and keep them somewhere I can reflect back on them at a later date.  SO I'll write about my thoughts when I feel like it.  Today, I'm feeling better than I was at the beginning of the week. I'd woken up feeling a sudden rush of ennui about my current state of life. I think I often feel this way when I stay home all weekend just drawing at my desk. On the one hand, I feel very productive when I sit at home working all weekend, but I think it's probably not the best thing for my mental state to not leave the house.  I'm hoping that when winter is finally over I'll feel more motivated to get out a...