A letter you will never see but I wish you did (but maybe I don't)

Many years ago, I met the love of my life probably. 

The one person in the world I'd ever met that I felt myself around 100%. Kind, calm and caring but not a little bitch. Not afraid to be a bit offensive because he knew who he was and I knew who he was. 

We worked together for years and became fast friends. The fastest friends. We had dumb jokes and our own history of memes. When we hung out together it was always so much fun. Everything about being with him was everything I ever wanted. 

But of course, like most things that happen to me, there was a major BUT in the situation. And this? He had a girlfriend. A perfectly fine, kind, a girlfriend that by all accounts was harmless in every way. A Lana Del Ray type girl. 

Eventually, it became the norm that we all hung out together. However, when he and I had time alone we were on a different level. But because we're both the people that we are, we never crossed that line. There was a time once that he asked me "Why aren't we dating??" to which I replied, "You have a girlfriend." "Oh yeah", he laughed. It was never a serious thought because he was always happy with his girlfriend. 

But one day that changed. 

One night, very late I received a phone call. At the other end, a sobbing broken voice desperately asking for my help. Frantic I invite him over to comfort him or help him, or whatever.. I wasn't completely sure at all what was the matter. When he arrived he'd very much been crying. A broken shell of a man, brilliant eyes full of sorrow. "She broke up with me", he sobbed and fought to say. I held him as he trembles, not sure of what to do. 

Once he calmed down a little I asked him what had happened. We'd hung out recently and everything had seemed perfectly fine. He told me that his girlfriend wanted an open relationship. A topic that he was not comfortable with. Because of this, she had decided that she wanted to break up. And so it was... For a while. 

A few months passed like this. They were still living together so there was always tension with the idea of hanging out together. One day we'd kind of jokingly decided to go on a date he and I which ultimately ended up being one of the best times we'd had in a long time. It's hard to recollect what exactly we did the whole night, surely we ate at the nice french restaurant he liked so much, and surely we drank at the romantic whiskey bar I like. But all of the evening has forever been overshadowed by arguably the closest to the cinematic moment in my whole entire life. Walking to the car, sharing an umbrella as it rained down gently. The car was parked under one of those ugly orange lights. I can't remember how it started but the memory is stained bright orange and trembling with a well of passion exploding in a million directions. Time had no meaning. The rain falling on us as we dropped the umbrella had no meaning. Nothing mattered but the feel of his embrace and the warmth of energy surging between us as we found ourselves locked in a moment that had been building up for years. 

I've never felt a kiss feel so correct. A correct rhythm. A correct energy. Just correct.  And for a long time, I wouldn't feel that way again. 

We carried on a while until one day he decided that he would perhaps be ok with an open relationship after all. And so it was they were back together. 

I personally could not come to grips with the idea and so decided I could not participate. I decided he'd likely be happier in the situation he had before him. We would inevitably brush up against each other like that again from time to time but ultimately, my heart is not strong enough to share someone I'd find so precious. 

And now I find myself constantly attempting to find the closest approximation of someone like him. Someone who will laugh at the silly jokes we used to. Watch dumb movies with me. Make me feel like I'm not all that strange by being far more strange. Look at me in a way that says with earnest, "I love you". 

But my biggest fear is that I never will again.  And maybe I can't because there's only one of one person in the world. But I hope... I can find someone who makes me feel like I'm not just a novel idea. 

Phew.