The people who aren't my friends

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- March 22, 2021

I'm a really naive person.

I often believe people are my friend despite no reason to really believe that to be so.

I will do kind things for people who don't deserve my kindness. I will assume I can trust people I can not trust. I'm either really stupid or really actually crazy.

I get hurt so much because of it.

It is so easy for me to make superficial connections but when it comes to real friendships... For whatever reason. Maybe when people see the person that I am... I can't make real friends.

But on the bright side I DO have real friends. I really do. They're just far away.

Even though I know that's true though, I can't help feeling hurt every time I See people I thought were my friends having fun without me. Not inviting me. Not including me.

So it must be that I'm not very likable. And I guess that's ok... But it doesn't make it hurt any less.

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Here comes a thought

- February 13, 2021

Remember. People do not change because you want them to. You may see the good in someone but that doesn't mean that the bad will suddenly go away. You know for a fact that this person is not kind to women. Why would that change with you? Collect yourself. If someone is really worth your time, you won't have to work so hard for it and you won't have to stress about it or worry about it. Don't forget that, me.

Mostly I don't think

- February 12, 2021

I don't know why it's so hard for me to exist in the world. I always feel like I know what i'm doing, or that my heart is in the right place... or that I am remotely capable of doing anything beyond the surface level of things. Mostly I feel useless. I'm sure it's my hormones, but right now... I feel useless. I want to love someone, but I feel like there's no one I want to love that wants to love me. Those that do love me I find a reason not to love. I just want someone who wants to be around me. Wants to spend time with me. Sees value in me. I know I'm not useless and I know I'm talented and all the things people say about me... but for whatever reason when you don't say anything at all it feels the worst. Like you didn't even notice. Or like you didn't even care. But then again why should you care? Who am I to you really? A coworker. Someone you probably won't miss when you're gone. And that's fine... It's my damage. ...

Mostly I think I'm a fool

- February 07, 2021

I put so much thought into ideas that aren't real. Why do I do that?

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